Keys Seasons in a Nutshell

Since I'm writing this at the slowest time of year I'll start there. It's hot. A lot of businesses have shorter hours, open less days a week, some close all together, did I mention it's hot?

There's storms and rumors of storms...Bugs that fly, bugs that bite, bugs that fly up your nose...The time of year to get away for your own vacation before it snows up north if you desire.

Several events were even created just to boost the local economy as well as giving locals something to do other than ending the slow season on probation.

A different "bug" during slow season is more popular... Lobster mini season (not mini Lobster season alluding to minature crustaceans) and all of the colorful advertising for bully nets, bug hunting, ad nauseum... keeps the locals busy for a while at the beginning of the slowest time of year.

Crappy tippers as a whole (what kind of hole?) but they keep the law busy with lobster fever...and fines.

Another colorful event with superior gratuists, Fantasy Fest, was created to break the monotony during the thick of the slow season as bored locals flocked together en masse to overwhelm the local constabulary, becoming the much needed party for adults it is today, without Mickey Mouse enforcing the dress code (though the Karens of Key West are trying). Public displays of freedom of like minded people having fun for a week in a notorious party town- Festival, man!

After lobstering and celebrating fantasizing, reality sets back in for those of us living in low lying areas as the King Tide season (not to be confused with King Kong, Roll Tide or King Roll, Kong Tide) starts in October and lasts through January. It's a lot like fall up north as the salt water turns all the vegetation brown in the afflicted areas. It was colorful vegetation before it was killed for those who say they miss the colors up North.

Inconsiderate drivers in employer provided transportation blast down the street, ignoring the "No Wake" and "Mandatory Slow Deep Salt Water" signs.

They don't give any fucks at all about the bosses truck or sending waves of putrid, swamp ass, stank water into someone's living space and washing out all the pea rock and landscaping. Nor do they care about flooding your car with their wake if you happen to be unfortunate enough to be at the helm of your car, navigating the road at idle speed at the same time.

 Oh well, what can you do? If you shot out the offending meatsack' windshield they would take you to jail..Of all the nerve...

"If A County Commissioner Lived Here You Wouldn't Be Driving In Saltwater" reads a sign hanging on the front of a neighbors house. Funny how shit like that works.

 In the meantime I'll just keep washing the rot water off of the vehicles every time we come home, regardless of state of mind, level of consciousness, outside conditions or relative humidity (not to be confused with the sweat on your cousins balls while recreational cornholin'). Yeah, that was a bad one. Movin' on...

Tourist season, a.k.a busy season, is a traffic bummer worse than ever before to say the least. Our little bubble south of reality in the Keys is getting popped by the painful prick of progress as the grim realities of the north spread south... We've even had a couple of horrendous Miami-Dade style road range incidences here in beautiful Key Largo this year!

During "Season" in March 2023, someone pulled a gun in the freaking school zone at mile marker 104 and discharged the weapon at another vehicle.

Then just the other day, some 45-year-old pushed down a 74-year-old over some road rage bullshit (because isn't that what it always is...) at the Winn-Dixie at mile marker 105 sending him to the hospital.

What a world. It's hard to be young, old, infirm these days. At least both perpetrators were apprehended and face unwanted sexual advances in prison as part of the perks that come with living with the state.

Every year we welcome the return of the part timers a.k.a snowbirds and the congestion they bring during the peak of the touron invasion to the mostly 2 lane Overseas Highway. Also the boost in the prices of almost everything, supply and demand. Even the medical weed...

Some will still miss the seasons up yonder but I have no interest in the possibility of having to scrape ice off my windshield. Ever again. I'm happy to share this little slice of paradise with all kinds, foreign, domestic and probably some aliens from another galaxy. Peace and Love to all and don't forget to try a little patience, meaning don't shoot when your patience is tried 😁.

That's not a canal as the fire plug and mailboxes are the giveaway. Sure. I could have used a picture of some groovy naked people from Fantasy Fest. Probably get more views...but that involves permissions and community standards... I'm hardly acceptable depending on who you ask as it is.