Seasonal Bliss...

It brings the welcomed return of some of our regular winter visitors as well as the cold, flu and other nasty things that accompany them. I've been fighting a cough and sinus pressure. It's amazing how much mucus the human body can manufacture, I don't even produce that much semen anymore... Add to that, longer travel times, seasonal pricing, longer lines for everything and slower internet speeds. Even the cellular networks bog down this time of year.

Gawkers are the biggest problem for those of us who must travel from point A to point B on the Overseas Highway. It never ceases to amaze me when I can see that there is one vehicle holding up 2 miles worth of traffic.

When I was out in California on the mountain roads and I was gawking; when somebody got behind me, I pulled off to the side like a courteous human being and let them pass because I wasn't in their hurry. And some people simply enjoy hauling ass on a winding, mountain road so why not let them pass and enjoy themselves. That and you might get to see them go off a cliff or wrap around a telephone pole, that's always exciting.

Then the police pontificate about people getting impatient and passing when the first opportunity arises, regardless of the stupid markings on the highway. Especially people that speed up and slow down, speed up and slow down, what a pain in the ass that is. I can't just drive along casually behind them; I have to anticipate the moron in front of me stopping to look at a dead bird, looking to see what someone fishing might have on their line or a poor soul dealing with a flat tire.

People documenting their drive to Key West for YouTube, slowing down on every bridge... I've witnessed our young police officers are also too addicted to their "in vehicle laptops" and cell phones for public safety concerns.

A lot of people slow down to text and then speed back up. Then slow back down when they get a reply and speed back up after they read it. Then they slow back down when they think of something to text back, then speed back up after they send that text and so forth and so on.

But they never get the ticket. The guy that cuts across the double line two feet early or back across a couple of feet late to get around those assholes, is the one that gets the ticket. We should have a statewide, "move the fuck over" or "let 'em pass" law for gawkers and texter-ers. I don't mind slow and steady, in fact, that saves fuel. Speeding up and slowing down, does the opposite as well as annoys the hell out of people. Or maybe it's just me.

My wife barely drives 45 miles an hour and when she's aggravated by the slow traffic, for some reason, I feel vindicated. It's hard for a man not to bitch at traffic and call everybody else stupid morons. Even a man going the wrong way will cuss everybody else. Or maybe that's just me, too.

I grew up driving on dirt roads, raising hell, cutting donuts in the teacher's front yard, straightening the curves, flattening the hills, with a three on the tree or a four on the floor, dumping clutches, catching third and barkin' tires.

Even the cops brought their patrol cars out to the local unofficial drag strip to see how their cars fared against the gear head' rides. We also had a few unofficial football games that was named, "the fuzz versus the freaks," and the popular "police versus the parolees," but that was a different lifetime.

Today's kids don't even know what a clutch is or a window crank for that matter. Just like I don't understand my dog's attraction to previously swallowed food and other dog' butt holes.

The most aggravating has to be getting to the four lane in Tavenier, thinking that you are finally going to get around a slowpoke that's been doing 35 mph since Marathon, only for the car in front of you to change lanes and get next to him and do 35 mph also. Then they notice an unmanned police car sitting in the median and slow down to 30mph.

They really need to enforce a "no traveling in the passing lane" thing. I don't approve of road rage but I understand. It's one thing to curse people from the confines of one's personal conveyance but it's an entirely different thing when somebody pulls out a weapon and that's happened in Key Largo twice that I know of since 2020. Big city madness creeping into Paradise...

On the 18 mile stretch the opposite holds true. Traffic will be flowing at a blistering 40 mph but the second they hit the passing zone, they race to the other end of the short passing zone just to go 40 mph again. I've seen the impatient types passing illegally and I'm envious of their ability to pay fines. If I didn't have to give a shit about paying for tickets and costlier insurance premiums, I would drive like an asshole too.

This time of year I get so many ones and fives in my tip bucket that the bar has to come and make change out of my bucket. I end up with all the change that they started with in their registers. On a good night, that is. Oh, well. It's nice to have people to play for as I have entertained thousands upon thousands of empty chairs and tables over the years. Welcome back snowbirds and tourons alike, peace and love as always.

Almost 2 1/2 hours of break neck speed!