Resting In Peace

Five years and 120 pounds ago, I experienced an adverse cardio event known as congestive heart failure. I thought I was just having an asthma attack. My heart was in atrial fibrillation and the inhaler I was hitting to relieve the asthma was aggravating the arrhythmia. Long story short, at some point, I was given a drug to lower my blood pressure though I've never had high blood pressure and did not then.

Whatever drug that was, I would recommend to anybody on death row considering their options, because that was an easy passing. No pain, no twitching, I just dozed off. Better than a firing squad, I think anyway.

It was 3 AM and I remember thinking about calling the nurse but that was the time the overnight shift usually went to lunch so I didn't want to interrupt the one person left to watch the whole ward, though I was the only one there. I figured whatever I was feeling would pass soon enough and I did.

Stillness, a quiet like I haven't experienced since before being born. The ringing in my ears, tinnitus from years of crashing cymbals and loud guitars, was gone. That's what first clued me in that something had happened. Pure silence, it gave new depth to the old saying, "Silence is golden."

It wasn't an apprehensive silence, like when all the crickets suddenly stop chirping because they sense an intruder or the silence before the big scream in a horror movie. It was a relaxing quiet. There was a soothing quality about it. Dead quiet, quite literally.

It was pure darkness, but not a scary darkness. I didn't think to check for a physical body. If I had one, I wasn't able to see it anyway in the blackness, like being in a room so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face.

Any sense or the sensation of the passing of time wasn't a thing, the concept of time simply did not exist. The pressure of time on the psyche was completely gone. 

Being alive, my whole world seems controlled by time. Whether I have to be on time for some thing or just the fact that I am running out of time, weighs on my soul. Worse than looking at the last three sheets hanging from the toilet roll when there's more wiping to do...

Worried about wasting time, wasting time worrying. That's probably the saddest thing we do as humans, worry. It causes bad habits, ulcers and prematurely gray pubic hair just to name a few symptoms of worry and stress. They kind of go hand-in-hand.

 I had the sensation of relief. Similar to an endurance race, where, by the end of the race, you are happy just to cross the finish line, no thought of being first or last. I felt like I had earned the rest. I also felt excitement, as if I got off of work early to go somewhere super cool.

From the vantage point of being dead, everything I had worried about- stressed about- cared about so passionately that I would've given my life- was absolutely meaningless. And ridiculous. I had never felt so foolish and I have done plenty of embarrassingly idiotic things during my incarnation in this realm.

 In the middle of feeling so stupid, to the point of shame, the sensation that everything was perfectly OK over took me, I felt I was suddenly a part of something larger than myself... intelligent, calm, flowing but mostly, from the vantage point of being alive, there was no judgement, no call to atone...

From the vantage point of being dead, there was no one to answer to and no reason to answer to anybody, just like there was no time. I was happy. Genuinely happy. My heart didn't ache for the mistreated of the Earth. I didn't feel the pain in my heart I have felt my entire life because we are so bad to each other on this planet.

War after war, endless pain and suffering...We, as a species, suck. People can't even be nice to dogs. We just don't get it. There is a better way. All this unnecessary bullshit so some people can feel more important than other people.

We are incarnated onto this merciless planet and the whole purpose of being together is to help one another survive being here. We're not here to take advantage of each other and step on the weak. Maybe, because I get that, is why I felt so accepted on the other side, self-righteous sounding douche bag that I am but I ain't as bad as those jerk-offs on TV.

Seriously, we live on a planet that is fucking trying to kill us every time we turn around. From microscopic organisms carried around by mosquitoes to super volcanoes and earthquakes, tsunamis, pandemics and the occasional rock from outer space, shit, not to mention tornadoes, hurricanes and being struck by lightning...

And what do we do? Fuck with each other. So, to all of my friends; Thank you for making my life more tolerable on this planet! To all of those who have gone out of their way to make it worse, bless your fucking hearts.  ☮️ ❤️ 😊 🎶 🖖

The older you get, the more dead people you know. Be nice now, there might not be another chance.