Can Wrestlin'

Custom cans, Monroe County. Holds a month's worth garbage for two people. We were issued two of them. The other one is kept safe in the shed for storm season. 

Paradise, not a care in the world. Savoring an Irish whiskey in the coffee, watching the sun poke its head over the palms. The songs of our fine, feathered friends, in natural surround sound as they flit around to and fro earning their morning meal, is about as relaxing as it goes in Key Largo. Personally, I've always preferred a beer and a joint first thing in the morning, these days, though, it's just the joint.

Suddenly, the sounds of the garbage truck reminds me that, oh shit! I do have a care in the world. I missed the three weeks previous collection days so it's imperative that I not forget this time as there is no more room in the can.

It has to be the right can also now. No more mismatched garbage cans. We have assigned and accounted for, $1200 giant cans. The size that was previously rejected as too large and would not be picked up by the garbage people. Actually, these are even bigger and larger, more like a commercial size than residential.

If you're a weekender, with a large group and have young people around to haul out the trash and pull the can to the curb, they're great. But if you're an older person, or a shorter person, somebody with a limited range of motion, so on and so forth; these giant cans are a pain in the ass.

The instructions on the top of lid say to keep the lid shut and latched, if you can find the slitted slot on the bottom of the lip on the can. After they are emptied, they are frequently left opened. A sudden summer shower downpour can fill these an eighth of the way up in no time. The only way to deal with it is to shove it over and let all the garbage water run to the lowest point, forming a nasty little puddle my little dog is too happy to drink from.

I saw one of my older lady neighbors push the garbage can over so that the lid flipped open. She slid her little bag of garbage into the can, and struggled to lift it back up. By the time she got it to the curb, the little dog and I had arrived just in time to be too late to be of any help. She lamented the fact that her old can was a quarter of the size and that they would not pick it up anymore forcing her to use the giant beast of a can. The can is almost as tall as she is.

The part-timers down the street left garbage in the wrong container and it has been rotting curbside since they left the neighborhood. At least the stank will be gone when they get back. Garbage has its peak gross phase and if you wait that out it's not as bad, same as a rotting fish or a dead cat under the trailer.

And you can't blame the garbage guys for not picking stuff up because the trucks have cameras mounted on them and if they get caught violating company policy they can get written up and possibly terminated.

The expectation of privacy is totally gone in the modern era. Can't even throw your shit away without it being digitally filmed and cataloged. It wouldn't surprise me if they had them wearing body cameras. They have Walmart employees wearing body cams, the same kind the police wear.

 The cans even came with legalese explaining the homeowner is responsible if the cans are lost, stolen or damaged. And then you watch the garbage guys beat the shit out of it against the garbage truck. I've seen them open the can, reach in and grab the garbage bag out and throw it in the truck rather than wrestle with the can themselves.

So, for the love of Jesucristo, my 5 foot tall wife, my tendinitis, arthritis, bursitis, lumbago, carpal tunnel and rheumitiz, and all my elderly neighbors and friends, can we get a senior friendly fucking garbage can? Please! Thank you for your attention to this matter!

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